Okay, enough playing with the fonts. I guess IRC bots are good for something after all. Hi, I have problems. We all have a few, but I just feel like spilling, so here I go. Y`see, we all have problems and stuff, you know, girl, parents, car, job, blah, whatever. Well, I`m somehow screwed in my head. See, every time I manage to get close to someone, I push em away. Can`t figure out why. If I`ve chased something throughout my life, if I`ve chased ANYthing (besides Vanessa..) its fitting in and the feelings that go along with it. I never really fit in...not in elementary school, not in junior high and certainly not in high school.

Weird thing is, I kind of enjoyed that feeling in high school. kind of being the loner, but needing friends too.. it is kind of weird, but I would have friends during the week and be alone to mope and sob and shit. Just me, all alone. And I hated it.. but I wouldnt pick up the phone and call people. I wouldn`t tell the girl I had a crush on her. I wouldn`t get off my ass and hang out, because somehow, for some reason, it was all just easier to be on my ass and mope.

Fitting in..hehe, kind of like a luxury I could have if I was stable, ya know?

I made friends over IRC, I even met some of them. They`re all really cool people, not the freaks you`d be afraid to meet. I even kind of met my (now ex) girlfriend over the damn thing. People are great; getting to be there whenever you want and hanging out with whomever you want gets to be pretty attractive. Don`t want to hang today? Don`t, get a new nick and go elsewhere.

This kind of fits in with how I`ve always felt... be alone, stay alone... I`m alone. I have friends when I need them, and I don`t when I don`t want them. Is this right? How the hell should I know? I don`t know what I`m doing in the first god damn place, people.

I got a new job, I`ve had it for about a month. I work until midnight every day, and sometimes I work so much all I have time to do in a day is get up work, eat and sleep. Who suffers besides my hating ass? Why, my friends of course. First time in my life I have an excuse for not being there (re: avoiding) my friends, and I get chewed out. Expected sure, I`m certainly not Mr Wonderful, but this is my cycle. I don`t know how I`ve held onto my best friend this long.

Hell, I don`t know why he`s held on to ME this long...

Maybe it`s cause we both have our faults, and we`re not afraid to tell eachother to fuck off, or maybe its because we know how to tell it how it is.. but in honesty I think it`s because we both need something to cling to. Friendship is an awesome thing, sometimes it can even be a hassle, but it`s worth it. To have someone to have a good time with and then blast when he fucks up, for both sides, is a great thing. Women are great too... but right now I ain`t got one.

My ex was great in the beginning too. She had her own demons, just like me, but damn she was stable. I don`t think my family has ever allowed me to be stable. If anything, I envied her the most because dammit, she had a real family. Of course so many of the things she did annoye the piss out of me, and the way we broke up was pretty dickless of me, but I still think she`s pretty cool. I`m just too fucked in the head (re: selfish, picky) to have someone like her.

And also, she`s like the epitomy of every joke I`ve ever told..how I got a sorority girl, high GPA getting, nice dressing person I will never figure out. Something was definately fucked there.

I whine a lot, ya know? Fucked in the head, I tell ya..

I`m afraid of a few things too. I want to write, but I`m afraid that what I end up writing won`t be real, won`t be from my heart. OR what I write ends up being pure crap. Or what I write ends up not being my or mine, just someone elses twisted idea. I want to wrtie stuff people look a and go, this guy has one active imagination... or maybe, this guy needs some serious mental help.. but I`m afraid instead they`ll go this guy rips off   and does so poorly. he sucks! I don`t know where I`ll end up or how, and I think something artistic on my part is my way out of a poor future. All these jokes we`ve always told of me ending up on my sisters couch aren`t funny anymore, man.

I want to be real, and I want to be from the heart, and I`m so damned afraid that I can never deliver something like that it scares me. I want to matter, to be important somehow, if not famous then to my friends. I want to be something, to mean something. Existing is nice; I want to make people sit up and take notice.

Then I`ll have the person saying, you`re real, you`re real... and I`ll be the person saying, bullshit, I make you laugh when you`re happy and I comfort you when you`re upset, and when I need comforting? I hide like the small child I am on the inside. Insecurity, blah blah, I`m just too afraid of people. Do people care for me? Sure. Do I really belive it? I dunno. Not really.

Fucked in the head.. Fucked in the head.

A song screaming about being good enough. Gee, this makes me feel better. Life is a crock of shit, and I`m the spoon that stirs it. I make everyone go around, I make everyone talk about me and hate me. Cause y`know, its what I`m good at. Too many secrets my ass, try too many fears. Why do I have to be afraid?

I`m the fool who stumbles through life without ever seeing it or feeling or being in it. My life is this empty shell of acceptance one minute and running in hte other direction the next because people are expecting things of me.

Expectations make me laugh, but I fear them too. I nice to make people happy.. great to make people smile and laugh. But I don`t know what I`m supposed to be doing. I don`t know who or what I am. And that right there is my basis for fear... what the hell am I doing and who says its right? Sure I say fuck what people say... but what then? I don`t know.

I just don`t know anything.

Ever seen that scene in Back To School where that guy wakes up (unbeknownst to him, still dreaming) screaming "I DON`T KNOW ANYTHING!!!!" Well, that`s me.

Okay, I need my break. I`ll add more to my personal woes later. Time to eat. Yay, time to fuck expectations and eat fattening food and get fat. that`ll show the bastards.